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Claire’s mother, Wendy (Australia)

Claire developed bulimic symptoms when she was in her early teens, maybe 14 to15 years old. I have a recollection of her coming through the front door after walking home from school. She was angry and upset that some young guys in a car had called out to her about her 'nice legs’, which Claire was sure, was a sarcastic note about her chubby legs. It was sometime the following year that she appeared to be eating very little over several weeks. Despite my efforts to encourage her normal appetite, she would say that she'd eaten already. Soon after this, when I asked about her 'eating' issues, she said that she was throwing up. She said the idea for 'throwing up' came from school where Bulimia had been discussed as part of health classes. After several months of me acting the 'policeman' outside her bathroom door, she eventually managed to quit this habit. Then she had a couple of reasonably good years, especially when living with me overseas. Her mind seemed to be on other things.

When she returned to Australia, she was emotionally low and crying frequently. At this time she was 18 years old, and eventually diagnosed with depression. At this same time she was struggling to find direction in her life and gained considerable weight. I expressed concern about this. Then she went the other way and became gradually anorexic which she has been until the current point of time when, at 24 she shows very good signs of recovery.

Increased awareness
My personal experience with depression, diagnosed when I was about 40, has prompted me to believe there is a tendency for depressive-type illnesses to run in families. The trigger for depression can manifest itself in different ways. My doctor diagnosed me with panic anxiety when I was in my forties. My 'depression' was related to the issue of external sounds of radios/other music coming into my home. The emotional stress was dreadful. My daughter's issue is her body.

How has the eating disorder affected your life?
It has been quite frightening. The only thing that helps a little is to understand that we are not alone, that this particular disorder is sadly, quite common. Two of my daughter's primary school friends have attended the same eating disorders clininic for help with this issue. Claire was surprised to see them there. It has also affected me in that I have had to ditch the idea of trying to be 'logical' with her. One cannot be logical with the anorexic patient. Their thinking patterns are anything but logical. Other members of the family have extreme difficulty accepting that 'logical' discussions with the sufferer don't work. Telling the sufferer that they 'look fine' is a complete waste of time. The other effects are that I sometimes feel like a failure in that I may have done something wrong when trying to teach Claire to eat healthily as a youngster. But in reality, I know I've done nothing wrong. The potential was possibly always there for something to cause an emotional collapse.   

Changes in behaviour and mood due to the Eating Disorder
Frequent crying became almost constant. At the worst point Claire was sitting on the kitchen floor, rocking back and forward. She was totally unsympathetic and inconsiderate to others and their concerns. Gym participation bordered on obsessive.
 
What did you find helpful in the process of weight restoration?
As Claire's uninformed parent, I struggled with this issue. I couldn't get her to eat anything that had substance. She wanted soups and pureed fruit and 'rabbit food' like lettuce. But occasionally when she went out with friends, she'd come home and say that she ate something 'normal'. Then of course the 'guilt' would set in.
When she went to the clinic, the dietician helped her a lot. Claire gradually accepted the idea that many normal foods are "healthy" and that a small gradual weight gain was okay when she was clinically underweight.

Signs of recovery
When Claire was able to remove the bathroom scales from the house, this was a very good sign. Even before this, to hear her laugh at a joke, or appreciate an aspect of nature, or to see her concerned for 'someone else' was also a great sign. The sufferer is often so obsessed with their weight and eating concerns that they are oblivious to anyone else's problems.

What advice do you have for someone seeking help?
The sufferer often doesn't want help. But their loved ones must stress the fact that the 'issue' is causing emotional pain for those around her. The sufferer must also be treated with respect and sympathy. Yelling and screaming puts them offside and they'll never want to 'confide' with the opposition. They have to know that you care about them, that you know that they feel bad.
Ask: ''Would you like to be happy again?" They can only answer yes to this question. This can then prompt a desire to be helped. Remind them that you've always been there for them. Ask them to remember that you want to organise medical attention/ intervention BECAUSE you again see the need to be ‘there for them’.
The sufferer should NEVER be told that they're only looking for attention. The sufferer won't trust those who have no understanding of their emotional pain. Also, when a clinic/psychological help is offered they should never have to worry about the costs involved, AND in our case, Claire wanted to choose her own 'clinic'. This worked well for us.
 The sufferer feels so lost and alone that they struggle to even imagine that life COULD be good again. A book on 'success' stories, or help for depression can be a good starting point.

The importance of ongoing support
The Eating Disorder is a well-entrenched part of the patient's psyche. He is like a monkey on the back and seems to be capable of climbing back up when he's least expected. Since he's not easy to ditch, ongoing support is vital. The ED issue is a 'way of thinking' and none of us can quickly change our way of thinking, especially if something triggers its revival. Support can be shown in many ways- from going places together, from recalling happy memories and events from the past, by distracting the patient with a joke or mental challenge.

Effective communication- what to say, and what to avoid saying
Don't 'blame', or criticize, don't belittle or ridicule, don't try to 'bribe' the patient to eat with money or gifts. Use caring sympathetic language. Invite the 'airing' of concerns but once the patient is on the road to recovery I really feel that distraction is the best. At all times, remind them of how happy they were in the past, and that happiness is possible again! When things are down, remind them that they are unwell and ask them to allow you to be their eyes. As their eyes, you can make decisions that are in their best interest.

Survival tips for parents and partners
For great distress, cuddles and hugging and sympathy can go a long way. Let the patient verbalise concerns. But don't 'catastrophise' the patient's concerns. Avoid laughing at the patient who may be suffering terribly because of something they ate. It can be quite comical to see the patient crying because they ate a donut earlier in the day! Go for a walk together. Fresh air and nature can do wonders. Get the sufferer to contact friends and get out of the house - or contact friends or relatives to 'take' the patient out for a shopping trip or drive or movie.
 

Claire, 23 (Australia)

As an only child living in a split family, I remember my mum always classifying foods as good and bad. We always had diet, low fat, wholemeal, sugar free. At my dad’s house we always had white bread, full sugar softdrink, chips and other “junk food”. This is what I believed shaped my unhelpful thoughts on particular foods.
I developed much more quickly than the other girls in primary school. By grade five I had boobs and thighs and a bum. Our uniforms weren’t made for womanly bodies and therefore I stood out amongst the other girls. They all had stick thin legs and arms and flat chests and in comparison I just felt fat. They could all fit in the current fashions and I could only fit in adult clothes. I could never fit in.
I starting making myself vomit at the age of 15. I took up smoking to fit in at high school and having a cigarette in my mouth was a good distraction from food. I began cutting out food groups and skipping main meals.
 
 By the time I was 21 I was no longer bulimic but indeed, an anorexic. I would starve for weeks on end, eating nothing but apple puree and lemonade. I was moody, dizzy, angry and hungry. I was still living with my mum and she knew exactly what was going on. The difference between me and most other sufferers is that I admitted all along that I was unwell. I understood everything about the disease and knew exactly how I felt. There was no denial or secrecy. But I still hated my body and refused to eat. I used to weigh up nearly ten times a day. I’d set my alarm for midnight so that I could get out of bed and weigh up, hoping that I’d lost weight since 3 hours ago when I’d last weighed up.
 
Leading up to my wedding in 2009, I was at my lowest weight. I was eating breakfast and drinking juice for the rest of the day. I was going to the gym 6 days a week. There were times where I just stood in front of the mirror pulling at my body and screaming. This disease was taking over my life. My soon-to-be-husband copped everything. He had to deal with the screaming, crying, moodiness from one second to the next. He has since told me that he was terrified to come home because he didn’t know which Claire he was going to find. I had sought help 2 years before and had ceased treatment before I was recovered. Now I was back in treatment because my mum and fiancé had threatened to cancel the wedding unless I get help. This was my saving grace.
 
Choosing appropriate help and recovery is a process. It’s easy to ask for help. It’s not so easy to hear what that helper has to say. The challenges that come with overcoming an eating disorder are immense. But there are breakthrough points throughout recovery and they help you push on to the next point. The most difficult part is eating that FIRST MEAL after months or years of not eating meals. That first food from that food group that you had decided was a sin. The Oak House (an outpatient eating disorder clinic in Melbourne) has been fantastic.
 
The main lesson I have had to learn (HAD TO LEARN!) is that you CANNOT control what other people say. Not everybody knows about your condition, nor do they understand the condition itself. People are ALWAYS going to comment on food and weight and exercise and celebrities and on other things that you DON’T WANT TO HEAR. Your ED (Eating Disorder) will always try to twist people’s words to make you feel threatened and not good enough. For example if somebody says, “geez, I really should go to the gym. I haven’t been for three days!”, Ed is automatically going to make you think, “Well, I haven’t been for three days either- that means if SHE has to go, then I have to go… is she insinuating that if you don’t go for three days then you’re fat?” Or, “do you know how many calories are in that cake?” will automatically cause Ed to make you think “oh God, why did you have to mention that. Now I can’t eat this cake.” Brushing off comments that others make is the BEST lesson you can take with you.
 
Ongoing support is vital. Without my mum and Damian, I would never have recovered as much as I have. It’s easier to eat new challenging foods when surrounded by others who are also eating those foods. My first croissant after five years was with Damian. We loved it. Then, we distract ourselves from thinking about what Claire just ate. We play a card game or we dance or we watch a comedy. Anything to take the focus away from the meal we’ve just had. He’s the best support.
 
Role models and idols- Instead of my unhelpful and unrealistic ideal bodies of celebrities, I’ve chosen role models such as Scarlett Johanssen and Catherine Zeta Jones. Both of these women have actual female bodies and are still beautiful and successful.
 
Having an eating disorder is a full time job. No matter what you do, where you go or what you think about, food issues and negative body image follows you everywhere. Allowing people to help you and trusting that they’re intentions are in your best interest is the first step to regaining your life, enjoying food and recovering. I can proudly say that I no longer know what weight I am on the scales. And I don’t care.
 


Newsflash

Launch of My Kid Is Back in the UK, Europe and North America

March 8th to 12th: I will be in London to promote and celebrate the Routledge release of My Kid Is Back. Check the Routledge website daily for my schedule of media events.  The promotion will culminate with the official launch of My Kid Is Back on March 13th, Saturday, at the National Family Network Day. I look forward to sharing this exciting event with you. See more details on the Media/Calendar page.